By Clare Absher RN BSN Updated: 02/04/2021 Need help finding care?
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
My sister and I cared for our 87-year-old mother when she became another victim of COVID-19 this past year. As a nurse of 40 plus years, we all relied upon my caregiving experience to care for Mom at home. Nevertheless, my extensive caregiving background did not prepare me for certain challenges and a sense of guilt elicited by COVID-19.
The responsibility at times was overwhelming, as I struggled to protect myself and others from the virus and at the same time attentively care for my Mom. I also constantly worried that my sister, who has no formal caregiving training, would become ill while sharing in Mom’s caregiving duties. Furthermore, as I assessed Mom’s fluctuating condition each day, I debated whether she would be better cared for in the hospital. I was tormented with the option of hospitalization, if it would be a better option for Mom or if she might be shipped off to a facility dedicated to COVID where we could not visit her. I agonized over the possibility of Mom needing to be put on a ventilator and possibly dying alone.
Making matters worse, we soon discovered that we were on our own when it came to caring for our Covid-stricken Mother at home. Professional guidance was scarce, and my sister and I often found ourselves torn about the best course of action for Mom. Unquestionably, our main priority was to dismiss any of our personal feelings and place our mother’s welfare above all.
After a couple weeks of mindfully caring for Mom at home, unfortunately pneumonia developed making a trip to the hospital inevitable. It turned out to be the right decision and she thankfully recovered. I expect when rationally considering my caregiving experience, most of my guilt was unfounded. However, the unexpected guilt I felt has lingered and I expect others may have similar burdensome caregiving experiences related to COVID.
ADVERTISEMENT
Countless family members and friends have shared their guilt concerning strict no visitation rules with their loved ones in long-term care facilities, due to COVID-19 restrictions. Some lucky families have been allowed to make outdoor visits or experience some type of glass/shield restricted access with their elderly loved ones. Most have suffered heart-wrenching anguish with respect to feelings of abandonment of their loved ones, despite circumstances beyond their control. Many families suffer further unfounded guilt as they witness declining health among their loved ones in places where they cannot visit.
As advocates, many family caregivers feel responsible for monitoring the quality of care for loved ones who are unable to so on their own. Family caregivers who had regularly visited loved ones for years to assist at mealtime, with personal care, and offer emotional support are suddenly prevented from any interaction or even seeing their elderly loved ones. Many have tragically lost elderly loved ones who died in facilities, isolated and without the comfort of family. Knowing these elderly died frightened and alone has unfortunately created long-lasting caregiver guilt for these undeserving folks.
Another form of caregiver guilt that relates to many of us is the deep concern of bringing the wrath of this virus home to loved ones. When caring for my sick mother with COVID, I incessantly worried that I might accidentally expose my husband who has a history of heart disease. At the time, I was continuously on guard and using extreme caution when anywhere near him; yet the nagging fear of being a carrier is still pervasive and burdensome. While my husband’s health is generally stable, as his wife and a nurse I understand the risk of exposure for someone with significant cardiac history. We have learned that comorbidities can result in more devastating illness, giving rise for more vigilant precautions.
My daughter is often worried about her children (and our grandchildren) accidentally exposing my husband and me to the virus, in spite of all of us taking serious precautions. Accounts of college students unknowingly bringing home COVID-19 to their grandparents and even causing their death are heart wrenching. It seems that there is plenty of guilt to go around for all of us, forcing us to find new and positive ways to cope.
ADVERTISEMENT
Caregiver guilt comes in many forms, all of which can be frightfully burdensome. Dealing with guilt in any form is critical to our emotional welfare. Try to be kind to yourself and even put yourself first sometimes. Perhaps not an easy feat, but more important than ever when faced with the surge of this virus and our uncertain future.
Take time to enjoy passions and hobbies that have always brought you comfort. Reading, walking, tennis, and gardening are but a few favorite activities; choose what has worked for you in the past.
Explore new ways to relieve anxiety that you might not have ever tried, had there not been a pandemic. Taking on home projects, online painting classes, zoom yoga, mountain biking, or a cooking class are just a few ideas. The silver lining here may be that you find some talents and passions that you might have never discovered.
You deserve to be as guilt free as possible and take time out for yourself during these trying days. Our acceptance of the pandemic might unexpectedly allow us to slow down and “smell the roses” and even find a little unexpected clarity about ourselves.
Sources:
*This article wasn't sponsored and doesn't contain affiliate links.
Clare Absher is a Registered Nurse with 45 years of experience. Most of her experience is in home health serving as a caregiver, educator, patient advocate, and liaison between families and community resources. She has also worked in acute care, assisted living, and retirement settings. She is passionate about helping families care for their elderly loved ones at home.
